5: Audio

[lesliemonster]

[At first, the voice is nothing but calm and professional. But there is a note of something. She's waiting for a storm to break. A storm of terrible human being.]

A hearty welcome, to all of you tuning in. I'm Leslie Knope, formerly of the Parks Department of Pawnee, Indiana.

Please let me know if I can answer any questions.



We have an all hands on deck situation.

His name is Greg Pikitis. He has been the peeling foot skin in the Achilles Heel of the Parks and Recreation department for three years. He has the charisma and terrible manners of a reality TV star, and now he can communicate with the barge.

It doesn't matter that he can't touch anything -- I assure you, he will still find a way to vandalize, harass, and general be the living worst. Keep him away from your inmates. He will only incite them to greater levels of douchebag.

Comments

[pikitis]

Thanks for the warm welcome, Leslie.

You look good on camera, by the way.

[lesliemonster]

You are not welcome.

But thank you, that is a very nice thing to say.

But how dare you?

[pikitis]

[All the smiles. And then he pulls a plum out of his pocket and starts eating it.]

[lesliemonster]

[You fucker.

She shakes her head. No way. No way.]

You're not here, Pikitis.

[pikitis]

Nope. [Or possibly "Knope."]

[lesliemonster]

[HAH HAH SO FUNNY.

SO NOT FUNNY.]

There is no Craigslist on the barge. You can't send money over here. You have no leverage. You have nothing.

[disobedientfish]

[Observe - this man, blonde with blue eyes and aristocratic features; also, there are dark lines under his eyes. despite a natural handsomeness, he looks a severely world-weary.]

Madam, it is not my intent to bother, but I have two questions you could perhaps assist me with:

The former: What system is "Pawnee, Indiana" in, and is this Bench space?
The latter: Where in the Holy Mother's name do they have the rhyti on this ship?

[lesliemonster]

[Hello, man with an exceedingly make-outable face. Luckily, Leslie is surrounded by nothing but insanely attractive people (and Jesse), and is thus able to respond to your inquiry in a reasonable manner. Like so:]

Pawnee is my hometown. It is located on earth, and it is the greatest town in the history of the world. I have no idea what bench space is, but our parks do offer a plethora of benches to sit on as you enjoy the day.

...rhyti?

[disobedientfish]

Hmm. A planet I'm unfamiliar with, which probably means outside of Bench space, to your great luck, I assure you. Though I would be careful for any noble-sounding Fleet or Bench types promising you peace and prosperity under their rule, should their be a choice in the matter.

[A pause.]

My lady is unaware of the magical substance that is rhyti? It is like having an addiction to pure heaven. I suppose they do not grow the leaves on Earth. Truly a severe lacking of your planet, if I may say so without offending.

[agoodquestion]

Shouldn't you tell me if you can answer any questions?

[Video]

[lizlemblerg]

[A woman peers into the screen.]

Aw, what the-...Frank! I told you to stay off my computer!

This is the worst porno ever.

[thestarspangledman]

...Uh. I'll keep an eye out, Ms. Knope.

[pikitis]

I have this plum. It's really good.

[lesliemonster]

I hope that you choke on the pit and can't talk anymore. Forever.

[lesliemonster]

...I have no idea what any of those words mean. Is this a cocaine situation? Is that what we are talking about?

Because if that is the case, you have amazing manners for someone involved in the drug trade.

[lesliemonster]

Um...

Yes?

[She is the best at answers.]

[video]

[lesliemonster]

[Leslie peers right back at her. Jeez.]

For the last time! I am not Brandi Maxx! Our resemblance, if any, is passing.

[lesliemonster]

Keep both eyes out.

This is the worst day.

[thestarspangledman]

...Yes, ma'am.

[lesliemonster]

And don't let his age fool you! Evil comes in all marketing brackets.

[pikitis]

Do you talk to your inmate that way?

[thestarspangledman]

You're sure he's not just having a little fun with you?

[agoodquestion]

Well then, let's start with the basics. Who are you, and why are you on this prison barge I keep hearing about?

[disobedientfish]

[Leslie, there are words coming out of your mouth but they do not make any sense. Andrej is looking at you in this very confused matter. Is this woman mad? No, that would be extremely rude.]

Oh, no, my lady, it is nothing like that. It is a morning drink that revitalizes oneself. Made with stewed leaves.

Ah, thank you.

Re: [video]

[lizlemblerg]

[Liz jerks back.]

Ooooooooohmygod the porno is talking to me.